I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
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Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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