these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
