thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
