dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
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Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
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You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize