I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
