Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
