I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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