just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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