the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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