I met the friendliest cop last night
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
