and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
