Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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