its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
