I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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