Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it glows. i had to have it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
