just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
