he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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