Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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