Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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