I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
