I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize