Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
