Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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