Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You can't just leave with hair like that
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
