I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
