How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
