Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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