Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
