Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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