"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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