Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
