fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
