i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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