I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
