True but thats because hes a fetus.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
