Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
