I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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