I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
