don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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