My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
