I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
