also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
