Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
