I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
