Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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