I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
