i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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