3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
