next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
