I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
