I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
