How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
