I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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