My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
