im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
