i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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