sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
