His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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