So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
